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 JOKES

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destinova
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Officer
destinova


Posts : 60
Join date : 2007-09-08
Age : 57
Location : Holland

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PostSubject: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitimeWed Sep 12, 2007 1:37 am

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. He sent off all the forms and all was fine but he was asked to take an eye test.

So off he goes and gets himself an appointment the same day, and sits down in the examining chair.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." jocolor
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arr1990
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Specialist
arr1990


Posts : 80
Join date : 2007-09-08
Age : 32
Location : UK

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitimeWed Sep 12, 2007 7:34 am

lol, wish my eye tests were that amusing
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Mr_Xtreme
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Mr_Xtreme


Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-08-22

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitimeWed Sep 12, 2007 10:39 pm

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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destinova
Officer
Officer
destinova


Posts : 60
Join date : 2007-09-08
Age : 57
Location : Holland

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitimeWed Sep 12, 2007 11:10 pm

ha ha nice one lol!
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arr1990
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Specialist
arr1990


Posts : 80
Join date : 2007-09-08
Age : 32
Location : UK

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitimeThu Sep 13, 2007 11:46 am

destinova wrote:
ha ha nice one lol!

yeh that was brilliant, lol
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destinova
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Officer
destinova


Posts : 60
Join date : 2007-09-08
Age : 57
Location : Holland

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitimeTue Oct 02, 2007 2:41 am

How many Beckham's does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to scratch their head and the other to call the plumber
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Mr_Xtreme
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Mr_Xtreme


Posts : 63
Join date : 2007-08-22

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitimeTue Oct 02, 2007 1:08 pm

lol!
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destinova
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destinova


Posts : 60
Join date : 2007-09-08
Age : 57
Location : Holland

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PostSubject: english-chinese   JOKES Icon_minitimeMon Oct 15, 2007 12:32 pm

You need to read this out loud.

English & Chinese Lessons

That's not right = Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? = Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me AS AP = Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man = Dum Fuk
Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni
Great = Fa Kin Su Pa

Staying out of sight = Lei Ying Lo
It's very dark in here = Wai So Dim
This is a tow away zone = No Pah King

He's cleaning his automobile = Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive = Yu Stin Ki Pu
Did you go to the beach? = Wai Yu So Tan
I think you need a face lift = Chin Tu Fat

I bumped into a coffee table = Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I thought you were on a diet = Wai Yu Mun Ching
Our meeting is scheduled for next week = Wai Yu Kum Naoc
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Don Hackelaar NL
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Don Hackelaar NL


Posts : 64
Join date : 2007-10-02
Age : 41
Location : Leusden, Holland, Europe, Earth

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitimeMon Oct 15, 2007 1:37 pm

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first encounter of lovemaking. In his highly aroused state,
her husband of course readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
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Don Hackelaar NL
Officer
Officer
Don Hackelaar NL


Posts : 64
Join date : 2007-10-02
Age : 41
Location : Leusden, Holland, Europe, Earth

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitimeMon Oct 15, 2007 1:38 pm

Some of these are really clever...and don't we recognize some(?) of them??
Regards,

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"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
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"You, you, and you (there’s Panic). The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper .. Once." - Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." - Anonymous
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Blue water Navy truism: "There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." - Anonymous
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!" - Anonymous
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries." - Anonymous
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." - Anonymous
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." - Anonymous
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." - Anonymous
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES   JOKES Icon_minitime

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